Don't believe anything you read on the net. Except this. Well, including this, I suppose.

-Douglas Adams

 

In quoting others, we cite ourselves.

-Julio Cortázar, Around the Day in Eighty Worlds

 

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

-George Burns

 

It's no good crying over spilt milk, because all the forces of the universe were bent on spilling it.

-William Somerset Maugham

 

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

-Lily Tomlin

 

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

-George Carlin

 

If there's not going to be a "eureka" moment then I'm not going to play.

-Neil Cannon

​

Some of us find our lives abridged even before the paperback comes out.
-Berkeley Breathed

​

The best advice I can give you about falling is to never land.

-Chevy Chase

 

 A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience. 

-Doug Larson

 

 The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling. 

-Paula Poundstone

 

 I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it. 

-Garrison Keillor

 

The real distinction is between those who adapt their purposes to reality and those who seek to mold reality in the light of their purposes. 

-Henry Kissinger

 

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

-Daniel Tosh

 

The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own way.

-Josh Billings

 

People pay more to be entertained than educated.

-Johnny Carson

 

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.

-Bob Newhart

 

Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will make me cry by myself in a corner for hours.

-Eric Idle

 

....maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun.

-Craig Ferguson

 

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style. 

-Quentin Crisp

 

I would imagine if you understood Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy!

-Mitch Hedberg

​

I feel a very unusual sensation - if it is not indigestion, I think it must be gratitude.

-Benjamin Disraeli

 

...she said I was afraid of success, which may in fact be true, because I have a feeling that fufilling my potential would really cut into my sittin' around time.

-Maria Bamford

 

Normal is only a setting on a washing machine.

-Michelle Vogel

 

There is a crack in everything ... that's how the light gets in. 

-Leonard Cohen

 

Of those who say nothing, few are silent.

-Thomas Neill

 

I can resist everything except temptation.

-Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere's Fan

 

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

-Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson)

 

Anxiety is interest paid on trouble before it is due.

-William Ralph Inge

 

It's always better to sacrifice your opponent's men. 

-Tartakover

 

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

-Emo Phillips

 

 I don't think I'm easy to talk about. I've got a very irregular head. And I'm not anything that you think I am anyway. 

-Syd Barrett

 

It's not getting any smarter out there. You have to come to terms with stupidity, and make it work for you.

-Frank Zappa

 

The presidency is now a cross between a popularity contest and a high school debate, with an encyclopedia of cliches the first prize.

-Saul Bellow

 

In a world we find terrifying, we ratify that which doesn't threaten us. 

-David Mamet

 

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.

-Ambrose Redmoon

 

Just because a poet said something didn't mean it was true, only that it sounded good.

-Janet Fitch

 

The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer. 

-Victor Borge

 

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”

-Steven Wright

 

Metaphor for the night sky: A trillion asterisks and no explanations.

-Robert Brault

 

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

-Groucho Marx

 

Brevity is the soul of lingerie.

-Dorothy Parker

 

Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.

-George Orwell

 

For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three.

-Alice Kahn 

 

Music is what feelings sound like.  

-Author Unknown

 

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down.

-Mitch Hedberg

 

I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things. 

-Alan Coren

 

Confession is a sacred rite enhanced by allegory, exaggeration, and lies.

-Craig Ferguson

 

Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe. 

-Frank Zappa

 

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

-Jimmy Carr

 

He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

-Billy Wilder

 

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.

-Oscar Wilde

 

We suffered for our art. You have to suffer for our art as well! 

-Terry Gilliam

 

`Very deep,' said Arthur, `you should send that in to the "Reader's Digest". They've got a page for people like you.'"

-Douglas Adams, The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

I don't answer the phone.  I get the feeling whenever I do that there will be someone on the other end.  

-Fred Couples

 

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

-Jackie Mason

 

Underneath this flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character.

-Oscar Levant

 

Health food may be good for the conscience, but Oreos taste a hell of a lot better.

-Robert Redford

 

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me.

He said I was being ridiculous-everyone hasn't met me yet.

-Rodney Dangerfield

 

I do not feel obliged to believe that same God who endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect had intended for us to forgo their use.

-Galileo Galilei

 

Art is the most beautiful deception of all! And although people try to incorporate the everyday events of life in it, we must hope that it will remain a deception lest it become a utilitarian thing, sad as a factory. ... Let us not disillusion anyone by bringing too much reality into the dream.

-Claude Debussy

 

In any compromise between food and poison, it is only death that can win. In any compromise between good and evil, it is only evil that can profit.

-Ayn Rand

 

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

-Dr. Seuss

 

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

-Groucho Marx (The Essential Groucho)

 

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

-Steve Martin

 

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

-Garrison Keillor

 

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.

-Anaïs Nin

 

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept. 

-George Carlin

 

I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.

-Edgar Allan Poe

 

Basically, I have two speeds.... Hostile or smart-aleck. Your choice.

-James Patterson (Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports)

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

-Dr. Seuss

 

The secret of my influence has always been that it remained secret. 

-Salvador Dali

 

As far as I'm concerned, there won't be a Beatles reunion as long as John Lennon remains dead. 

-George Harrison

 

I am, as I've said, merely competent. But in an age of incompetence, that makes me extraordinary. 

-Billy Joel

 

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.

-Albert Camus

 

I'm a controversial figure. My friends either dislike me or hate me.

-Toni Morrison

 

Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is eight or nine, he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes. 

-Bill Cosby

 

Drawing on my fine command of the language, I said nothing. 

-Robert Benchley

 

Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

-Ronald Reagan

 

If anyone ever offers to make you into a Pez dispenser...do it!

-Carrie Fisher

 

We learn something every day, and lots of times it’s that what we learned the day before was wrong.

-Bill Vaughan

 

Golf is more fun than walking naked in a strange place, but not much. 

-Buddy Hackett

 

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

-P. J. O'Rourke

 

Bad news goes about in clogs, Good news in stockinged feet.

-Welsh Proverb

 

If the whole human race lay in one grave, the epitaph on its headstone might well be: "It seemed a good idea at the time.

-Dame Rebecca West

 

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

-Douglas Adams

 

The chimpanzee's stuff is good. I like how he plays with metaphors about depth of field, but I think I like this guy (Mark) Rothko a little bit better.

-Gallery visitor (taking part in a survey)

 

It has been said that man is distinguished from animal in that he buys more books than he can read. I should like to suggest that the inclusion of a few chess books would help to make the distinction unmistakable.

-Edward Lasker

 

Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett.

-Christopher Titus.

 

I feel very good about that joke because that one got a LMFAOWIHABFAFIMR double A's double M's YAMTTDMRFBNA which as Brian Posain will tell you means "Laughing my figurative ass off while I have a Boba Fett action figure in my real ass, and my Mom yells at me to turn down my Rush 'Fly By Night' album."

-Patton Oswalt

 

I shouldn't say bad stuff about illiterate people, though. I should write it. 

-Mike Birbiglia

 

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.

-Jim Henson

 

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

-George Carlin

 

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

-Jack Handey

 

Some people have a way with words, and other people...oh, uh, not have way.

-Steve Martin

 

Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know.

-Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl

 

Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.

-Joseph Heller

 

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

-A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

 

It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.

-William G. McAdoo

​

There's nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot.

-Scott Adams

 

Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing.

-Joss Whedon

 

Men are born ignorant, not stupid. They are made stupid by education.

-Bertrand Russell

 

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

-Robert A. Heinlein

 

Absurdity and anti—absurdity are the two poles of creative energy.

-Karl Lagerfeld

 

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice; In practice, there is.

-Chuck Reid

 

Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.

-Jane Wagner

 

Some of us find our lives abridged even before the paperback comes out.

-Berkeley Breathed

 

The great tragedy of Science: the slaying of a beautiful hypothesis by an ugly fact

-Thomas Henry Huxley

 

The first sign of a nervous breakdown is when you start thinking your work is terribly important.

-Milo Bloom

 

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

-Woody Allen

 

Living with hope is like rubbing up against a cheese grater. It keeps taking slices off you until there's so little left you just crumble.

-Catherine Austen

 

He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any man I ever met.

-Abraham Lincoln

 

I don't know what good composition is.... Sometimes for me composition has to do with a certain brightness or a certain coming to restness and other times it has to do with funny mistakes. There's a kind of rightness and wrongness and sometimes I like rightness and sometimes I like wrongness.

-Diane Arbus

 

He who stands for nothing will fall for anything.

-Alexander Hamilton

 

An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field.

-Niels Bohr

 

Why is this thus? What is the reason for this thusness?

-Artemus Ward

 

Anyone can make the simple complicated. Creativity is making the complicated simple.

-Charles Mingus

 

Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago.

-Bernard Berenson

 

The really idle man gets nowhere. The perpetually busy man does not get much further.

-Sir Heneage Ogilvie

 

There is always an easy solution to every human problem--neat, plausible, and wrong.

-H. L. Mencken

 

A simple answer that is clear and precise will always have more power in the world than a complex one that is true.

-Nolan Bushnell

 

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

-Demetri Martin

​

Welcome to hell.  Here's your accordian.
-Gary Larson

​

Even when there are banalities, they're usually kind of benign banalities.
-Michael McKean

​

The English say, Talk of the Devil, and he’s presently at your elbow.
-Giovanni Torriano's Piazza Universale, 1666

​

A device for shrinking time and distance.
-sales poster for the original 1964 Pontiac GTO

​

Every passion borders on the chaotic, but the collector's passion borders on the chaos of memories.
-Walter Benjamin

 

TV/Movies:

 

[looking over his old broken down tractor] 

Oliver Wendell Douglass: There's something wrong with the carburetor. 

Eb Dawson: Yeah, it needs a new tractor on it! 

-Green Acres

 

Jimmy James: I've got so many lawyers lined up to see me, you'd think I had tobacco leaking out of my breast implants.

-News Radio

 

Oscar Leroy: Let me answer that question with another question: Shut up!

-Corner Gas

 

Randy Hickey: Wait, it's coming back to me...No it's gone.....it's coming back...it's gone, damn that thing is fast. No, wait, I'm getting something, oh wait it's a naked chick. Oh crap it's a dude! I don't wanna do this anymore!

-My Name Is Earl

 

Truman Burbank: Somebody help me, I'm being spontaneous!

-The Truman Show

 

Chief: ...yeah, and if a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump it's ass a-hoppin

-The Hudsucker Proxy

 

Evelle Snopes:  H.I., you're young and you got your health, what you want with a job?

-Raising Arizona

 

Bloom:   So, how do you plan to use all these skills?  

Penelope:   I don't know. I'm not a planner. I just do stuff.

-The Brothers Bloom

 

I love mankind-it's people I can't stand.

-Charles M. Schulz, Go Fly a Kite, Charlie Brown

 

Fievel Mouskawitz: One man's sunset is another man's dawn.

-An American Tail

 

Roman Moroni: I would like to direct this to the distinguished members of the panel: You lousy cork-soakers. You have violated my farging rights. Dis somanumbatching country was founded so that the liberties of common patriotic citizens like me could not be taken away by a bunch of fargin iceholes... like yourselves.

-Johnny Dangerously

 

Dick Martin: How about coming up to my place? 

Girl: Are you going to try anything fresh? 

Dick Martin: Nope. Same old stuff. 

-Rowan & Martin's Laugh-in

 

Jake Blues (John Belushi):  I ran out of gas. I had a flat tire. I didn't have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! It wasn't my fault, I swear to god!

-The Blues Brothers

 

Mr. Turkentine: I've just decided to switch our Friday schedule to Monday, which means that the test we take each Friday, on what we learned during the week, will now take place on Monday, before we've learned it. But, since today is Tuesday, it doesn't matter in the slightest.

-Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

 

Jeff: "I discovered at a very early age that if I talk long enough, I can make anything right or wrong. So either I'm God or truth is relative. In either case, booyah!"

Duncan: "Interesting, it's just that the average person has a much harder time saying 'booyah' to moral relativism."

-Community

 

This car is vicious in an amusing way… like a shark in a funny hat.

-Jeremy Clarkson, Top Gear (on the Zonda F roadster)

 

When the afterburner lights, I haven’t got 5,000 horsepower. I’ve got 10,000 horsepower, and possibly the biggest accident you’ve ever seen in your life.

-Richard Hammond, Top Gear (shortly before the biggest accident you’ve ever seen)

 

This is probably what will happen to me in hell... a TVR, a racetrack, and a pedantic Scotsman.

-James May, Top Gear

 

Some say he knows three facts about ducks/geese. And none of them are correct, all we know is, he’s called the Stig.

-Jeremy Clarkson, Top Gear (introducing the Stig, tame racing driver)

 

Well, this is strange, 3 bears bringing rare coins to the museum.

Museum professor-The Hair Bear Bunch

 

Michael: Could we stop worrying about girls with low self-esteem and start focusing on sobering up the woman who gave us ours?

-Arrested Development

 

That dog's as subtle as a hand grenade in a barrrel of oat meal

-Foghorn Leghorn

 

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

-Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

 

Navin R. Johnson:  Marie, are you awake? Good. You look so beautiful and peaceful, you almost look dead. I'm glad because there is something that has always been very difficult for me to say. I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit. I've never been relaxed enough around anyone to be able to say that. You give me confidence in myself. I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days and the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days and the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in then evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it. Anyway, I've decided that tomorrow, when the time is right, I'm going to ask you to marry me, if that's o.k. with you. Just don't say anything... You've made me very happy.

-The Jerk

 

Archie Bunker:  There’s nothing wrong with revenge – it’s the best way to get even!

-All In The Family

 

Dan Rydell:  At this point, the length of this conversation is way out of proportion to my interest in it.

-Sports Night

 

Jerry (Jack Lemmon): Look at that! Look how she moves! That's just like Jell-O on springs.

-Some Like It Hot

 

 What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?

-Doctor Who

 

Dwight Schrute: What is the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute bucks?

Stanley: The same as the ratio of Unicorns to Leprechauns. 

-The Office

 

But there must have been a Death Star canteen, a cafeteria downstairs, in between battles, where Darth Vader could just chill:

Darth Vader: I will have the penne all'arrabbiata.

Canteen Server: You'll need a tray.

Darth Vader: Do you know who I am?

Canteen Server: Do you know who I am?

Darth Vader: This is not a game of who the fuck are you. For I am Vader, Darth Vader, Lord Vader. I can kill you with a single thought.

Canteen Server: Well, you'll still need a tray.

Darth Vader: No, I will not need a tray. I do not need a tray to kill you. I can kill you without a tray, with the power of the Force, which is strong within me. Even though I could kill you with a tray if I so wished, for I would hack at your neck with the thin bit until the blood flowed across the canteen floor.

Canteen Server: No, the food is hot. You'll need a tray to put the food on.

Darth Vader: Oh, I see, the food is hot. I'm sorry, I did not realize.

Canteen Server: Tray for the...

Darth Vader: Yes. I thought you were challenging me to the fight to the death.

Canteen Server: Fight to the death? This is a canteen, I work here.

Darth Vader: Yes, but I am Vader. Lord Vader. Everyone challenges me to a fight to the death. Darth Vader, Im Darth Vader, Sir Lord Vader, Sir Lord Darth Vader, Lord Darth Sir Lord Vader of Cheam, Sir Lord Baron von Vaderham. The Death Star, I run the Death Star.

Canteen Server: What's the Death Star?

Darth Vader: This is the Death Star! I run this star.

Canteen Server: This is a star?

Darth Vader: This is a fucking star, I run it! I'm your boss!

Canteen Server: You're Mr Stevens?

Darth Vader: Who is Mr Stevens?

Canteen Server: He's Head of Catering.

Darth Vader: I am not Head of Catering! I am Vader, I can kill Catering with a thought!

Canteen Server: What?

Darth Vader: I can kill you all, I can kill me, just... I'll get a tray, fuck it. This ones wet, and this ones wet, and this ones wet. This one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet... Did you dry these in a rainforest? Why, with the power of the Death Star, do we not have a tray that is dry? ...No, I was here first. You have to queue if you want food. Can I have Penne Alla Arrabiata? That'd be nice. No, no, no-do you know who I am?

Canteen Server: That's Geoff Vader, that is.

Darth Vader: I am not Geoff Vader, I am Darth Vader.

Canteen Server: What, Geoff Vader? Runs the Death Star?

Darth Vader: No, I run the Death Star.

Canteen Server: You Geoff Vader?

Darth Vader: No, I'm Darth Vader.

Canteen Server: Are you his brother? Could you get his autograph?

Darth Vader: No, I'm... All right, I'm Geoff Vader.

Canteen Server: Can I have your autograph?

Darth Vader: No. Fuck off! Or I'll kill you with a tray. Give me Penne Alla Arrabiata or die, and you, and everyone in this canteen. Death by tray it shall be.

-Eddie Izzard / Death Star Canteen

 

Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue, 

Orn desh, dee born desh, de umn bork! bork! bork!

-The Muppett Show  song: Swedish Chef Song

 

Ron Swanson:  Normally, if given the choice between doing something and doing nothing, I'll do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I'd work all night if it meant that nothing got done.

-Parks & Recreation

 

Questionable:

 

-If you're rowing across the river and the cat jumped in...how many waffles does it take to shingle a doghouse?

-If it takes a hen and a half, a day and a half, to lay an egg and a half-how long does it take a grasshopper with a wooden leg to kick all the seeds out of a cucumber?

 

Lyric:  

 

You watch yourself from the sidelines

Like your life is a game you don't mind playing to keep yourself amused.

I don't mean to be cruel baby

But you're looking confused

-Jackson Brown "Your Bright Baby Blues"

 

You been tellin' me you're a genius

Since you were seventeen.

In all the time I've known you

I still don't know what you mean

-Steely Dan  "Reelin' In The Years"

 

Every jumbled pile of person has a thinking part that wonders what the part that isn't thinking isn't thinking of.

-They Might Be Giants  "Where Your Eyes Don't Go"

I'm just a soul whose intentions are good,

Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood.

-Joe Cocker  "Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood "

 

I've got a bike 

You can ride it if you like 

It's got a basket 

A bell that rings 

And things to make it look good 

I'd give it to you if I could 

But I borrowed it 

-Syd Barrett (Pink Floyd)   "Bike"

 

Remember there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over. 

-Frank Zappa  "Heavenly Bank Account"

 

Famous Last Words:

 

Doubt everything. Find your own light.

-Gotama Buddha, in Theravada tradition

 

Now comes the mystery.

-Henry Ward Beecher

​

God bless...God damn.

-James Thurber

 

I now have no time to be tired. 

-Wilhelm I

 

Well, we fooled 'em for a long time, didn't we?

-William Henry Johnson (Zip the Pinhead)

​

You can keep the things of bronze and stone and give me one man to remember me just once a year.

-Damon Runyon

 

I hope I haven't bored you." (ending his final press conference.)

-Elvis Presley

 

If any of you cry at my funeral I'll never speak to you again.

-Stan Laurel

 

That was the best ice-cream soda I ever tasted.

-Lou Costello